thinking, once in a while, i came to the conslusion that really many things are not the way they should be somehow... i'm ok so far, but do not really do things to reach my aims in life ... furthermore, i'm always good in forgetting things... this sometimes can be useful not to think about bad things too much but also is totally detestable, forgetting things you should not forget,...
it makes me not really like myself, seeing in what a shell i've navigated myself ... on usual days, it feels good inside there but to be honest... i miss something about myself that i've always been telling others, such things that life make more vivid...
... so many things i hide myself behind, not really admitting things to myself or even if, i do not really care about it ... the shell works well so far, but it also imprisons me in my own mind ... stupid to think of this ... but that's how it seems to be ...
i've just noticed another fact about myself... i like analysing situations, also analysing myself ... but this cool way of seeing the world leads, after a certain time, to more and more heartless or emotionless state of behaving, feeling and exsisting ... the shell even works that well that i could not really cry for a long time... don't remember when the last time was, to be honest... at this very moment, writing all that stuff and thinking about myself... well, nearly seems to give me some feelings back ... i simply want to think more ... not about general things,... but about how to be honest to myself and not to disguise my true feelings anymore... i want to relearn how to feel and then how to get on an other path which makes me happier... it's not always everything about happiness .... but still i must find my way to fulfil the unspoken promise- i want to get better

to those who've come so far ... i don't want to upset anyone because there is no need for that ... i'm not even sure why I posted this journal entry ... i do not intend special people to read it or expect a certain answer ... it's more like .... i want to find a way how to say what's going on... and the more eyes witness this the better i might become myself ... not always trying to change, but really changing ... damn it xD
finally, i want to apologize .. to those, who i've promised things to that i did not keep ... to those who offered me real friendship but who i've seemed to have abandoned, at least i feel like i did, even though i did never want to .... but being inactive for such a long time and not being in contact with anyone ... leads nearly to the same...

i want to thank you sisters and brothers, having made my day so often, although some time has passed ... thanks to those who are always there for me and about who i know they are friends ...

yours,
the boy who searches for his once-lost fantasy, who wants to gain back his creativity